How many times have you not tried at something, maybe either because someone had a different opinion about what you should be doing or didn’t think it was do-able? OH FOR SURE I HAVE. A bummer, I know, but let me remind you although I am completely brilliant, I'm no superhero :) I can very happily say however, it hasn't happened for looong time. I was talking about this with a friend the other day who was panicking because she was backing out of her dream job because her father had made some comments about her abilities. He illegitimately said they were lacking. I wish he could see her in action in the classroom, but this was an obvious blow to her spirit and when she told me this, I even felt as if I had been hit with a stick smack across the chest. What a deflator for her, right? But then on second thought...WHAT A MOTIVATOR!!
See, my friend is so lucky because now she has the extra incentive and motivation to go full-sprint after this job to show those out there, particularly her dad, that she DOES have the ability. And who is to say she can’t or she isn’t up to it? Give me a break -- it is really easy to criticize and point out the faults or the shortcomings when you aren’t actually the one starring in the experience.
But it is so hard to toe that balance between putting on your blinders and going after what you really want while also listening to those important people around you. I guess also how you define “important” matters too. Who do you listen to—your friends? Your family? Someone who has been in the field a long time? And how do you make that distinction and how do you do so consistently?
My answer is this—that you just learn how and who to listen to as you go, trial and error, see what happens. This, so far, has worked for me. It will be different for others of course, and they have to accept that. Sometimes it will be easier to create the balance while other times you just have to close your ears and go for the gold, you know? Sometimes when I feel a little unmotivated, it is even the best medicine to go ahead and let someone in on my future plans and dreams -- particularly someone whom I know will be a bit more cynical about the way life works. Little do they know that instead of advising me onto the "right" path (their path), they are in fact pushing me further along on the one I truly WANT to be on. It's my life, right? Well, then it's my happiness too. You don’t want a life where someone who “has everything figured out” walks ahead of you beating the bushes with sticks to scare the monsters out. That wasn’t the right way to say that—what I mean is, to a certain extent you want to be able to have the freedom and opportunity to make your OWN mistakes and see what's ahead and what happens. Some of my “best” mistakes have come about that way and later turned into the most amazing opportunities of my life. At least, that’s the perspective I choose to have.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
FILL THE LUNGS!
Maybe you and I have more in common than you think—I love to breathe. I know you do too. What about a breath of fresh of air—great, huh? See? We’re meant to be friends.
Beautiful bluuuuuuuue sky is all I have seen lately—the color is amazing, really. I bet Crayola wishes they could get their hands on this kind of color. And somehow this clear sky is bringing with it a warm fresh air and after the dreary colorless winter months, there is absolutely nothing better. It’s on these days that I wish I lived outside the city, but even being right smack in the center of Budapest I managed to find a park to spend the whole day lying in the grass, belly up to the sun and the breeze wrapping itself around me. Whether it’s called the Santa Annas or the west winds, a nice breeze feels great and dangerously relaxing. I was so much planted in the grass that a dog ran over me, making sure to step RIGHT ON MY FACE.
I also love a breath of fresh air in the form of a different perspective or personality. The word for that would be REJUVENATION. What a wonder that does, especially when you get caught going through the motions of life, when it demands you to live at its own pace. You almost forget about the life around you as if wearing blinders and become immersed in your routines. Today I got this breath of fresh air simply from ME and doing…. NOTHING—all day. It’s a valuable skill, to do nothing, and it has taken me years to perfect. But how great is that kind of day? Just me, myself, and I all day long. Luckily I'm great company. HA. But, the quiet was very much needed now that we are down to our last two weeks of class and constantly in a buzz of academia. I remember at one point staring up into the blue and wishing I could bottle this feeling of calmness to save and store away.
Beautiful bluuuuuuuue sky is all I have seen lately—the color is amazing, really. I bet Crayola wishes they could get their hands on this kind of color. And somehow this clear sky is bringing with it a warm fresh air and after the dreary colorless winter months, there is absolutely nothing better. It’s on these days that I wish I lived outside the city, but even being right smack in the center of Budapest I managed to find a park to spend the whole day lying in the grass, belly up to the sun and the breeze wrapping itself around me. Whether it’s called the Santa Annas or the west winds, a nice breeze feels great and dangerously relaxing. I was so much planted in the grass that a dog ran over me, making sure to step RIGHT ON MY FACE.
I also love a breath of fresh air in the form of a different perspective or personality. The word for that would be REJUVENATION. What a wonder that does, especially when you get caught going through the motions of life, when it demands you to live at its own pace. You almost forget about the life around you as if wearing blinders and become immersed in your routines. Today I got this breath of fresh air simply from ME and doing…. NOTHING—all day. It’s a valuable skill, to do nothing, and it has taken me years to perfect. But how great is that kind of day? Just me, myself, and I all day long. Luckily I'm great company. HA. But, the quiet was very much needed now that we are down to our last two weeks of class and constantly in a buzz of academia. I remember at one point staring up into the blue and wishing I could bottle this feeling of calmness to save and store away.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
the REALLY fun days
Ok one, I need a hug. And two, although I am a huge advocate of the natural progression of things—going with the flow—I was also born in the age of instant everything. These two things clash some days, today being one of them. Usually I can do things in a calm and smooth syrup-like manner, but today believe it or not, emails aren’t even coming quick enough for me. ARE YOU KIDDING KATE CHILL OUT is what you are thinking, right? Trust me, half of me is thinking that too. I just can’t get the other half of me to get a grip. It's like it declared mutiny and is jumping ship so as to watch the other half of me go down in flames. Awesome, huh? I am trying to transition to taking myself seriously as an adult and woman, while also trying to retain a little bit of myself from the whole life I had before I graduated college. I have to get things worked out for the next step in life as well as continue to write papers and fulfill requirements for CEU. In the same day I was called a bionic woman and a fish out of water…WHAT???? I am caught in the middle of my own life. VERY, VERY STRANGE. It’s just one of those days. Mom, I need a hug.
It is one of the nicest feelings when things fall into place slowly but surely, but that’s the catch—it’s a process of slowly and surely, which is of course what makes it so beautiful. But this is where the scene cuts to me planted face down on my IKEA-everything bed bawling like a 2 year old with mascara smearing all the way from my forehead down to my chin (whoops, there goes any hope of you hiring me). Yes, of course I have days where I just am caught throwing up my hands, and I give up all hope of thinking rationally and keeping my perspective. Usually on these days I am seconds away from pressing “confirm purchase” for a one-way ticket to Dubai—that option always seems so much more logical than taking things one day at a time for some reason. But instead of keeping it all inside me and not acknowledging that I am actually experiencing something totally human—stress—I don’t. I just stop and let it go. AND IT FEELS GOOD. So what?? So I need a day to have this little fiasco, big deal!! If I didn’t deal with myself, I would probably be walking around as wound up as ever, snapping my mouth at everyone who walks past and eating only granola. Where is the fun in that life?? You have to walk on egg-shells around that kind of person. How AWFUL!! And, by the way, there is a silver lining to this—I can laugh at myself when my little saga is over, for example, I literally woke up out of my nap yesterday because I was laughing at myself in my dreams.
The days you have where you just slip out of the groove are so important. Although it is an absolute mess trying to sort them all out, it is hilarious looking back on them, and so helpful in understanding yourself. And of course, hugs help too.
It is one of the nicest feelings when things fall into place slowly but surely, but that’s the catch—it’s a process of slowly and surely, which is of course what makes it so beautiful. But this is where the scene cuts to me planted face down on my IKEA-everything bed bawling like a 2 year old with mascara smearing all the way from my forehead down to my chin (whoops, there goes any hope of you hiring me). Yes, of course I have days where I just am caught throwing up my hands, and I give up all hope of thinking rationally and keeping my perspective. Usually on these days I am seconds away from pressing “confirm purchase” for a one-way ticket to Dubai—that option always seems so much more logical than taking things one day at a time for some reason. But instead of keeping it all inside me and not acknowledging that I am actually experiencing something totally human—stress—I don’t. I just stop and let it go. AND IT FEELS GOOD. So what?? So I need a day to have this little fiasco, big deal!! If I didn’t deal with myself, I would probably be walking around as wound up as ever, snapping my mouth at everyone who walks past and eating only granola. Where is the fun in that life?? You have to walk on egg-shells around that kind of person. How AWFUL!! And, by the way, there is a silver lining to this—I can laugh at myself when my little saga is over, for example, I literally woke up out of my nap yesterday because I was laughing at myself in my dreams.
The days you have where you just slip out of the groove are so important. Although it is an absolute mess trying to sort them all out, it is hilarious looking back on them, and so helpful in understanding yourself. And of course, hugs help too.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Sun Rising
"Pork-o" is the term which comes to mind when my parents ask about my physical well-being as of the past couple months. I blame it on the result of hibernating all winter in combination with my deadly Achilles heel for anything mixed with sugar, but enough is enough!! I can only find so many excuses to inhale chocolate as if my life depended on it. So today I took action—I jumped out of bed, strapped on my Asics and went for a run down by the Danube. At 5:30 in the morning. No, I am not a masochist. I know, I know, it may seem extreme--to cut back on sweets AND wake up early all in the same day, but I have good reason for waking at this ungodly hour—I wanted to see the sunrise. For me it is SO physically painful to wake up any earlier than 8 o’clock, but nothing on this earth can match the colors of sunsets or sunrises. And most of all I wanted to witness the sun rise over the river because I have seen it set in such a glorious way, that I wanted to see if it could match its evening performances with the mornings. Finally the weather has been warming in Budapest, bringing with it longer and longer days, so can you blame me? I just wanted to celebrate by seeing the sun rise. On this morning, check out the reward I got for lugging my big behind out of my bed…it’s sort of a glow of light.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Only being yourself
When people indulge me in a little piece of them, a piece they know very well that I could use against them, when they come to trust—I love that. Maybe you’ll understand if I explain more.
The other day I was sitting in class next to one of my good friends. We were listening to a lecture on a topic in which to tell you the truth, I would have rather been eating worms than sitting through and I think by the looks of it so would a lot of the other students there because there were faces plastered to desktops and doodles being created in truckloads. We had been in class for 7 hours prior though and had two midterms earlier that week, so to say the least--we were fried. My friend however, was absolutely entranced—just so engaged and almost weirdly hypnotized by the presentation. At one point I wanted to ask him if he was kidding, he was so into the lecture. But before I could investigate into his genuineness, he leaned over to me, looked me straight in the eyes and whispered so very sincerely “JUST FASCINATING, right?”—and all I could do was smile. He was so into what was going on and so stimulated by the topic that you could feel it. And I was so happy that he shared that with me—VICTORY!! I know it might seem like such a simple and blasé gesture, but I love it when someone let’s you see a part of theirself that is really unique. My friend knew I could’ve given him a hard time on it, and instead he let me in on a little part of himself. So what if he likes something I happen to find unimaginably awful?? I would be bored out of my skull if every one of my friends liked exactly what I like and disliked exactly what I dislike. And anyways, I am sure that a lot of the things I like seem unimaginably boring or make me look like a complete wack-job. But what else can you do?—that’s the beauty of being an individual :)
That is one of my favorite things about friendships—when you find the differences in interests and intrigues pull you together rather than apart.
The other day I was sitting in class next to one of my good friends. We were listening to a lecture on a topic in which to tell you the truth, I would have rather been eating worms than sitting through and I think by the looks of it so would a lot of the other students there because there were faces plastered to desktops and doodles being created in truckloads. We had been in class for 7 hours prior though and had two midterms earlier that week, so to say the least--we were fried. My friend however, was absolutely entranced—just so engaged and almost weirdly hypnotized by the presentation. At one point I wanted to ask him if he was kidding, he was so into the lecture. But before I could investigate into his genuineness, he leaned over to me, looked me straight in the eyes and whispered so very sincerely “JUST FASCINATING, right?”—and all I could do was smile. He was so into what was going on and so stimulated by the topic that you could feel it. And I was so happy that he shared that with me—VICTORY!! I know it might seem like such a simple and blasé gesture, but I love it when someone let’s you see a part of theirself that is really unique. My friend knew I could’ve given him a hard time on it, and instead he let me in on a little part of himself. So what if he likes something I happen to find unimaginably awful?? I would be bored out of my skull if every one of my friends liked exactly what I like and disliked exactly what I dislike. And anyways, I am sure that a lot of the things I like seem unimaginably boring or make me look like a complete wack-job. But what else can you do?—that’s the beauty of being an individual :)
That is one of my favorite things about friendships—when you find the differences in interests and intrigues pull you together rather than apart.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
my date
Guess what I found out today?? I have an admirer!! Yes, yes I dooooooo. His name is Zoltan but you can call him Zoli. We have tennis dates every Monday, that his mother lined up for us, same time, same place and afterwards we always get a drink together—of apple juice. He just turned four by the way, and he is a little cutie with tons of spunk and a big old crush on MOI. He teaches me Hungarian and the best ways to eat animal crackers—nibbling around the ENTIRE cookie before you dunk it in milk—and I teach him the latest dance moves with some tennis sprinkled in here and there. It’s an absolute RIOT and he always brightens my day. And today he was just what I needed—my mind in a completely separate world from the usual grind. Isn’t it funny to think of the little things that make such a big impact on your life? Zoli has no clue how much I look forward to our “tennis dates”! Sometimes I wish I could see myself in other people’s eyes to see the impact I hopefully have, just the way I know others, like Zoli, have on me.
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