LA ULTIMA

I am awful at goodbyes. Really, really awful—like cliché awful. It’s not like it’s a fun thing, you know? I don’t ever know where to begin and then things slip into akwardness and I get fidgety and basically forget how to speak. Anyways, how can you say goodbye—you don’t know if you will see someone again or if your paths will cross randomly in the future. Who knows, right? That’s why I always find myself blurting out “See you later!” not to avoid actually saying good-bye, but I really think that you just truly never know, so why not believe you will see someone or some place again?

I have come to love that uncertainty over the past year, something I never thought I would grow accustomed to, but I have learned that as well as other countless lessons while experiencing Budapest. I am continuously thankful. I think mostly that Budapest was an experience which helped me “move into” the person I discovered in the previous year. It was sort of a year of decorating and settling in, but also realizing that many changes are still to come and should be welcomed with open arms. Looking back on some of the earlier posts, it feels good to know that I have absorbed much more than details about the policy process and how to best nip corruption in the bud. I know that I will carry these lessons far into the future— I won’t forget them anytime soon.

So anyways, this is the last blog and if anything, I hope I made you laugh a little over the past year.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
See you later.

BANCKS' UNITE!

Welcome Doug and Gretchen!!

My parents are here in Budapest. Can you believe it?? Talk about surreal. They decided to come over to make sure I wasn’t really in Ames, Iowa knitting up a huge lie and funneling my tuition money into the black-market. That’s a weird family joke. They also just wanted to experience Eastern Europe. It has been really nice so far with them here and school done because we are getting to see a lot of the city together, some of which I have not even seen yet.

It's hilarious--my dad has managed to memorize the ENTIRE section in his guidebook on Budapest and the surrounding area, thanks to the help of the author Rick Steves. When I am just about to lead us off course (thinking I know where I am going) he causally pulls us back on the right path, gently and nonchalantly saying we should be going the other direction. Knowing random facts about the city has become his temporary obsession and he is a fountain of facts, let me tell you. And then there is my mother--the faithful partner and supporter of mi papa. She is very laid-back and very chill. No ice in her almost boiling hot coke?? NO PROBLEM! Ha. LOVE IT, Mom you rock. And then there is me--the suddenly anal guide. I don't know whats come over me but I am in an INTENSE competition with Rick Steves to see who actually knows Budapest better. Currently he is very much kicking my butt and the score is absurdly off-balance. Something like 90 - 3. Bummer, I think I'm just gonna give in tomorrow and let Rick (co-captained by my dad) take the wheel and drive.

Best of all, my parents are experiencing Europe 30 years after their initial visit when they were newlywed hippies looking for adventure. Seeing their expressions and hearing the excitement in their tones is really satisfying for me because this is really a treat for them. I am glad to have them here with me to see my world. It is always a little weird though for me when they step into a world I had previously created very much independent from them. It takes some adjustment for some reason, because this place does not know them and they do not know this place. This all makes me stop and remember how much things have changed in my life from even four years ago. I guess I forget. I have begun to feel very comfortable being in a constant swirl of variety and change, something many people may feel differently about. I love it though and find myself addicted. Somehow I know that this will always be a part of my life.

the end of the road, Jack.

Holy crap (silence....................................................................eye blink.............................silence........)

That about sums it up for me—we have finished our program and I am still in a state of shock and disbelief that the most intense and jam-packed 9 months of my life is done and over. AND I DID IT!!!! SO surreal that I am crossing this finish line, but so very very satisfying. This year has felt like a constant wave after wave of transformation and challenge for me. Not a bad thing by any means, but who woulda known? And that’s the best part.

Now looking back on everything that I have experienced, I think to myself “why did I even try and imagine what it would be like?” because the reality was not even close to what I imagined in many ways—the school experience, the people I met, the opportunities to travel, the friends made, the challenges of dealing and understanding myself, etc. (I wish I could explain it to you in a couple of sentances but it's impossible so we'll just have to sit down and chat about it one day). But I am so thankful that it came out like that, like a constant surprise, because one of the most important things I have learned is that there is so much beauty in watching things unfold as they will naturally and unknowingly. I have spent so much time previous to this year trying to plan out my future down to practically pinning down a 401K that once that future came, it wasn’t as exciting or satisfying because I had been expecting exactly that the whole time. It’s not that now I don’t want to have any kind of plan, it’s that I am just much more flexible with how this plan can work itself out. For example on a much smaller scale, I skipped class the other day (on Ethics, haha) very spontaneously. Not because I didn't want to go or wasn't prepared, but as I was going through my morning routine, I got distracted halfway through getting dressed and started to watch a documentary on positive thinking and the power of the mind, which I managed to completely justify my missing class. See? I ended up still halfway in my pajamas, eating breakfast and loving this piece on the human mind...and I felt so good afterwards. It's so funny how things happen that might surprise you when you allow yourself alittle more flexibility for all the different possibilities in your life--there are SO MANY. And you know what? The slower this happens, the better. Then you get time to remember the details of your experience, rather than just flying through things just so you can check off items on your life to-do list. Hellooooooo---quality, not quantity. Do you follow me?

A friend called me a hippie the other day, to which I replied, “But I wear Banana Republic.” Oh wow Kate. Sometimes even I am surprised by what comes out of my mouth, but even there I saw some flexibility in being the person that I am.

stop or go??

How many times have you not tried at something, maybe either because someone had a different opinion about what you should be doing or didn’t think it was do-able? OH FOR SURE I HAVE. A bummer, I know, but let me remind you although I am completely brilliant, I'm no superhero :) I can very happily say however, it hasn't happened for looong time. I was talking about this with a friend the other day who was panicking because she was backing out of her dream job because her father had made some comments about her abilities. He illegitimately said they were lacking. I wish he could see her in action in the classroom, but this was an obvious blow to her spirit and when she told me this, I even felt as if I had been hit with a stick smack across the chest. What a deflator for her, right? But then on second thought...WHAT A MOTIVATOR!!

See, my friend is so lucky because now she has the extra incentive and motivation to go full-sprint after this job to show those out there, particularly her dad, that she DOES have the ability. And who is to say she can’t or she isn’t up to it? Give me a break -- it is really easy to criticize and point out the faults or the shortcomings when you aren’t actually the one starring in the experience.

But it is so hard to toe that balance between putting on your blinders and going after what you really want while also listening to those important people around you. I guess also how you define “important” matters too. Who do you listen to—your friends? Your family? Someone who has been in the field a long time? And how do you make that distinction and how do you do so consistently?

My answer is this—that you just learn how and who to listen to as you go, trial and error, see what happens. This, so far, has worked for me. It will be different for others of course, and they have to accept that. Sometimes it will be easier to create the balance while other times you just have to close your ears and go for the gold, you know? Sometimes when I feel a little unmotivated, it is even the best medicine to go ahead and let someone in on my future plans and dreams -- particularly someone whom I know will be a bit more cynical about the way life works. Little do they know that instead of advising me onto the "right" path (their path), they are in fact pushing me further along on the one I truly WANT to be on. It's my life, right? Well, then it's my happiness too. You don’t want a life where someone who “has everything figured out” walks ahead of you beating the bushes with sticks to scare the monsters out. That wasn’t the right way to say that—what I mean is, to a certain extent you want to be able to have the freedom and opportunity to make your OWN mistakes and see what's ahead and what happens. Some of my “best” mistakes have come about that way and later turned into the most amazing opportunities of my life. At least, that’s the perspective I choose to have.

FILL THE LUNGS!

Maybe you and I have more in common than you think—I love to breathe. I know you do too. What about a breath of fresh of air—great, huh? See? We’re meant to be friends.

Beautiful bluuuuuuuue sky is all I have seen lately—the color is amazing, really. I bet Crayola wishes they could get their hands on this kind of color. And somehow this clear sky is bringing with it a warm fresh air and after the dreary colorless winter months, there is absolutely nothing better. It’s on these days that I wish I lived outside the city, but even being right smack in the center of Budapest I managed to find a park to spend the whole day lying in the grass, belly up to the sun and the breeze wrapping itself around me. Whether it’s called the Santa Annas or the west winds, a nice breeze feels great and dangerously relaxing. I was so much planted in the grass that a dog ran over me, making sure to step RIGHT ON MY FACE.

I also love a breath of fresh air in the form of a different perspective or personality. The word for that would be REJUVENATION. What a wonder that does, especially when you get caught going through the motions of life, when it demands you to live at its own pace. You almost forget about the life around you as if wearing blinders and become immersed in your routines. Today I got this breath of fresh air simply from ME and doing…. NOTHING—all day. It’s a valuable skill, to do nothing, and it has taken me years to perfect. But how great is that kind of day? Just me, myself, and I all day long. Luckily I'm great company. HA. But, the quiet was very much needed now that we are down to our last two weeks of class and constantly in a buzz of academia. I remember at one point staring up into the blue and wishing I could bottle this feeling of calmness to save and store away.

the REALLY fun days

Ok one, I need a hug. And two, although I am a huge advocate of the natural progression of things—going with the flow—I was also born in the age of instant everything. These two things clash some days, today being one of them. Usually I can do things in a calm and smooth syrup-like manner, but today believe it or not, emails aren’t even coming quick enough for me. ARE YOU KIDDING KATE CHILL OUT is what you are thinking, right? Trust me, half of me is thinking that too. I just can’t get the other half of me to get a grip. It's like it declared mutiny and is jumping ship so as to watch the other half of me go down in flames. Awesome, huh? I am trying to transition to taking myself seriously as an adult and woman, while also trying to retain a little bit of myself from the whole life I had before I graduated college. I have to get things worked out for the next step in life as well as continue to write papers and fulfill requirements for CEU. In the same day I was called a bionic woman and a fish out of water…WHAT???? I am caught in the middle of my own life. VERY, VERY STRANGE. It’s just one of those days. Mom, I need a hug.

It is one of the nicest feelings when things fall into place slowly but surely, but that’s the catch—it’s a process of slowly and surely, which is of course what makes it so beautiful. But this is where the scene cuts to me planted face down on my IKEA-everything bed bawling like a 2 year old with mascara smearing all the way from my forehead down to my chin (whoops, there goes any hope of you hiring me). Yes, of course I have days where I just am caught throwing up my hands, and I give up all hope of thinking rationally and keeping my perspective. Usually on these days I am seconds away from pressing “confirm purchase” for a one-way ticket to Dubai—that option always seems so much more logical than taking things one day at a time for some reason. But instead of keeping it all inside me and not acknowledging that I am actually experiencing something totally human—stress—I don’t. I just stop and let it go. AND IT FEELS GOOD. So what?? So I need a day to have this little fiasco, big deal!! If I didn’t deal with myself, I would probably be walking around as wound up as ever, snapping my mouth at everyone who walks past and eating only granola. Where is the fun in that life?? You have to walk on egg-shells around that kind of person. How AWFUL!! And, by the way, there is a silver lining to this—I can laugh at myself when my little saga is over, for example, I literally woke up out of my nap yesterday because I was laughing at myself in my dreams.

The days you have where you just slip out of the groove are so important. Although it is an absolute mess trying to sort them all out, it is hilarious looking back on them, and so helpful in understanding yourself. And of course, hugs help too.

Sun Rising

"Pork-o" is the term which comes to mind when my parents ask about my physical well-being as of the past couple months. I blame it on the result of hibernating all winter in combination with my deadly Achilles heel for anything mixed with sugar, but enough is enough!! I can only find so many excuses to inhale chocolate as if my life depended on it. So today I took action—I jumped out of bed, strapped on my Asics and went for a run down by the Danube. At 5:30 in the morning. No, I am not a masochist. I know, I know, it may seem extreme--to cut back on sweets AND wake up early all in the same day, but I have good reason for waking at this ungodly hour—I wanted to see the sunrise. For me it is SO physically painful to wake up any earlier than 8 o’clock, but nothing on this earth can match the colors of sunsets or sunrises. And most of all I wanted to witness the sun rise over the river because I have seen it set in such a glorious way, that I wanted to see if it could match its evening performances with the mornings. Finally the weather has been warming in Budapest, bringing with it longer and longer days, so can you blame me? I just wanted to celebrate by seeing the sun rise. On this morning, check out the reward I got for lugging my big behind out of my bed…it’s sort of a glow of light.