Believe it or not...

Let me tell you something that might come as a shocker----I'm human!

I have been told that I'm not a morning person by my family almost every morning of my life. I lie to my dentist about how much I floss because I cannot deal with the pain of it. And I just hate flossing. I invest too much of myself into things too early but it can also be really hard to get me to committ to things. I find it so hard to get competitive in things other than sports (like grad school, for example) and I can get overwhelmed sort of easily. Although I have been an athlete my whole life, I struggle with coordination--the other day believe it or not, I fell off a treadmill while running. Trust me, I couldn't believe it either. I have a tendancy to think way too much about the little things and when I get tired you don't want to have to deal with me because there is potential for a melt-down.............So do you still like me?

I have noticed this lately, that this is sorta how I relate to people--I just throw down my weaknesses and contradictions. Obviously I'm not gonna tell you all of my worsts but I tend to just want to create a field of trust first thing when I meet a new friend, so I lay all my cards down first like I'm daring them to show me up. I like showing how human I am. Maybe it's to show my weaknesses before they have time to discover them and run away shreiking or maybe because in my hardest moments I have learned the most and I want them to understand that all so they don't have to learn it the hard way. I don't know. But to be honest, I don't really care about all your strengths, I mean I do, but they will show themselves naturally I think. I want to see your ugly side! HA - ever heard someone say that?? I have found that so many people just want to be okay with themselves and who they are that often times they put up this whole facade that things are perfect when they really are completly crumbling and are looking for a corner to fall apart in. They are so relieved when you just let them know that you are in fact just as human as they are, like it's a surprise or something. PUHHLEASE--As if they are the only one who has called up their parents in a complete crazed panic at 2 AM bawling about how their life is going down the drain because they didn't go to dental school only for their parents to remind them that they didn't want that in the first place. Been there, done that.....still like me??

I really like being human and I really like getting to know other humans, but that entails knowing two parts of them, strengths and weaknesses, and being friends regardless. So don't be afraid to show your weaknesses first to someone. You know, just let someone know how you fell off the treadmill the other day, but then got up, smiled and jumped right back for more.

Just wondering...

I love the ocean and I know that the surf rolls in sets of 6's..did you know that? OH I LOVE THE OCEAN. If you don’t, please lie to me and tell me you do. I also love wearing black socks. For some reason they make my feet warmer. I love good workouts and really spicy food. I love supporting people, in any sense of the word. I love staring at maps and being in my birthday suit, not necessarily at the same time. I love being emotional. I am one of those people who listen to the same song on repeat for hours at a time and if you burn your toast, I will eat it. Weird, I know. I love big cities and big hugs, I absolutely adore listening to people speak in different languages and I just cannot live without dark chocolate and tangerines—mixed.

These are some of the things that make up a part of me on a daily basis. I am certainly not limited to these loves and likes, but I do not change them depending upon whose company I am in. Do you?

I was talking about this idea with a friend the other day, whether or not he was a different form of himself with different people. He said he is. For example, he has a different personality when he speaks Spanish (his native language is English)—he turns into this hot little tango-loving-hip-shaking man. This is very different from his “American” self, with his calm, level-headed normal manner. I am smiling just thinking of his Spanish side. I never thought about that before though—if you can change who you are and maybe how you perceive things, when you speak a different language. I don’t speak another language completely fluently so I don’t know. Yet. But on a side-note, do you think that different cultures benefit or stumble around because of the stereotype (if they have more than one, the most dominating one) they accrue—like Russians as serious and stern, or Irish as loud and light-hearted? Maybe this is sort of like a self-fulfilling thing, that people sort of grow into their cultural stereotype, a socialization into their culture. But I love it when I meet someone of a different culture who doesn’t fit their stereotype. I admire that because it takes a strong and brave person to break free of what others have already projected onto them if that is not who they truly are. If this is you, we should be friends if we aren’t. I’m sure I’d like you and you’d probably get a kick out of me :)

This is a pic of Budapest today....SNOW!!!

XOXOXOOXOXOXO

flexibilty: good and bad

Ughhhhhh. Our toilet is broken. But to tell you the truth, I’m not too pissed about it. Yes, you have to fool with the lever-thingy for about 5 minutes to get the water to stop flushing, and yes, we have told our landlord about 59 times and yes, it’s really annoying to have to “reschedule” mother nature’s call, but you know what???—that’s LIFE—isn’t it great?!! I love the challenges that are in my every single day, like language, directions, relating to people, etc. and even though some days it feels like they are absolute MOUNTAINS instead of the foothills they really are, I would not want it any other way. Being flexible is something so priceless and I have gotten pretty good at this form of art—and it IS an art form because when you can make a positive situation out of a seemingly negative one, you have a gift! You end up giving off a very positive energy and people want to be around you.

Speaking of being flexible and a positive attitude, yoga absolutely SUCKED tonight. It was so miserable. John (my yoga teacher) was on fire today with the poses…I think he got my beginners class confused with the ultra-advanced session, because I stretched so far that I found body parts I never knew I had. And it hurt. Each minute seemed to last an hour and so the total hour and a half class seemed to last about 8 days and I felt afterwards as if I ran a marathon, maybe two, and then given birth. Seriously. What an exhausting session. However while I was trying my hardest to mimic John’s poses and listen at the same time, John spoke about the aim of the class, which was to show us how yoga can teach us about obstacles. He spoke about how frustrating getting into those damn poses can be and often times it’s not even about getting into the pose—it’s about how you deal with the fact that you just plain CAN’T. And today I felt like I was butting my head against a wall time after time and just not getting it, so I guess I got one part of what John was talking about. At one point in the class I burst out laughing because I looked at myself getting all pissed off for no good reason, just the fact that my left elbow couldn't touch my right rear hamstring or some other inhumane position. After class on the walk home I got the second part of it—I understand how much patience it takes and how so many things are processes, and that so often it is not about the finish line, it is about the whole race. I know this story sounds like such a cliché of yoga, but it is the honest truth—sometimes the end doesn’t even matter if you don’t get anything out of the middle or have a good time doing it.

Thank you yoga-master John.

double birthdays!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM & DAD!!!

you didn't think you'd ever make the blog did you??!

let me explain these pictures...
just pretend the one is of me singing happy birthday to you guys, and the second is of a little friend of mine here at his birthday party the other day. He just turned 2!! He's pumped about the cake and his birthday party and I hope you guys are too, even if you're a little older than him!

loads of love

XOXOXOXOXOOX

HERE HERE HERE HERE HERE!

I remember a couple days before I left for Hungary, I was sort of walking around in a daze trying to “prepare” myself for the initial shock of moving. One day I had a conversation with a close friend whom I value so much because he is so down-to-earth and just plain comfortable in his own skin. I loved spending time with him because those qualities seemed to be contagious and refreshing and I would feel like I just spent the day at the spa after hanging out with him. His name is Joao and he is a tri-athlete. He is also Brazilian but now makes his home in the U.S. with his wife and son. So one day after an intense spin-work out (he was also a spin instructor) I asked him for advice about going away. Now looking back on that I hate that I called it “going away” but I’ll say why in a minute. Joao gave me some really important, maybe completely obvious advice—“just go” he told me. At that moment I remember straining my brain trying to squeeze the infinite and Dalai Lama-esque wisdom out of those words, analyzing them to the bone, only to end up feeling a little disappointed with that simple command. Joao could tell I was a little frustrated (maybe because of my toddler-like whimpering) and understood that in order not to waste those words on me, he probably had to follow-up with more. So he also told me his story of when he first came to the U.S.—he didn’t know the language very well, all his friends were back home, he had just split with his fiancé and he didn’t enjoy his new job. He felt lost in this new life and he was 31 years old. He told me in the beginning for a long time his mind was constantly back in Brazil, living life there. This only frustrated him more, with many lonely nights and tears for this massive athlete of a man. It was at this point that I started to bee-line it out of the gym and down to the travel agency to return my plane ticket. Luckily Joao stopped me and led me back to the bikes we just finished up on. We got back on and started pedaling and he began again. He stressed the importance of just going and not thinking—to just go and be completely THERE because what else can you really do? It is no fun to be split in your mind and body but this is so much easier said than done, just like I knew my whole experience would be. And I know this stops so many people from so many experiences. But gradually, Joao said, life got better—he found a great job he loves, he started training hard for events, he found a great group of friends, and he met his now wife. His mind had finally met up with him in the U.S.

I think that I was scared of “going away” because I knew that a part of me would be going away for good. Maybe Joao feels the same. I knew that this would change me, mold me, leave me with a different perspective and impression of the world and its people living in it. Those aren’t bad things at all, in fact those are things I want most. And not like I hadn’t lived abroad before or been in challenging experiences, but before each one I think you always wonder about things in one year from now, or two years. You want to see the results and the outcomes. Who will you be at the end? How will you have become a better person? How will you have helped others? What will happen?

Luckily I have taken Joao’s advice and stayed very much here in Budapest and am so thankful because there is SO much life here—who knew?—one of my friends just had a beautiful baby boy!! And gradually this place has become another home and a significant part of my life. The best part is that I didn’t end up really “going away”, because I am not away, I am just HERE.

putting it together

Do you ever feel unworthy?

Of anything I mean, or in anything. This is a poisonous thought. Please don’t ever think it, because it can be addicting. I ask this because I am in a grad program which has a lot of talented, intelligent people. It can be intimidating. In the beginning I did not categorize myself with them—they were the “others”, the better ones, the smarter ones, the more experienced ones. Yes, sadly, I had thought this, and although doubting is a very human experience, I don’t think it is justified. What gives you the right to think you shouldn’t, you can’t POSSIBLY be the one who is talented, brilliant, gorgeous, most caring, or fabulous?? Who tells you that by shrinking in your chair each day and not speaking out, or by being cruel, or even by covering up your beauty –inner and outer—helps the world? Because it doesn’t. But no one told me this, I learned it the hard way, like usual :) In fact there is nothing good about covering up your character, your complete worthiness or kindness, so that others will feel less insecure around you. You should want to run and jump off a high-dive plunging in head first to all your talents, all your beauty, all your brilliance!! This acknowledgement and more importantly, acceptance of yourself, unconsciously gives those around you the same ability, the same go-ahead and liberation.

But of course we do feel unworthy sometimes – I have felt that too many times, in too many areas before understanding and accepting that I am who I am. Of course I have bad habits, of course I have insecurities, but I can accept the qualities I cannot change which simply allows me to radiate “postiveness” even more than I feel I do now. Too often I have assumed that others are far superior, more talented, smarter, etc. and I would tell myself this. Pretty soon, I started to believe these thoughts, even though they were not necessarily true. The thoughts translated from thinking them into living them, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not good. This created a divide in my relationships with others in school and I noticed, outside school as well. Over a while spending time with close friends, I came to realize this poisonous process going on and to tell you the truth, it was hard and even painful to accept that I was thinking this way. But I was.

The good part is this: I did accept it. And I changed it, or rather am changing it and will continue to change it as the rest of my life unfolds probably until the very end. But now I march my hinnie right into class and sit perched on my chair, ready and anticipating questions, hoping to be called on, wearing my most flattering outfits, dishing out smiles and winks while beaming in all my pride and glory...just like the saturday morning CBS special on self-esteem you are picturing in your head now.

What a valuable and necessary lesson for me to learn—to come to the understanding that I am so completely worthy to do whatever it is I set my mind to do or who I can care for. I don’t have to justify this because simply by being born, by becoming a part of this world was I worthy and of course so are you.

Thank god I realized this at 22 and not 82.

acting in kindness

NEWS FLASH --- Kindness is universal.

I don't want to insult your intelligence, but people respond to kindness. This isn't just a one country kind of thing. I have come upon this through a variety of ways while in Budapest, the most recent being this morning on my walk to school. I usually walk at a slow pace, as I have learned a more relaxed manner of "being" in this part of my life for some reason. I think maybe because prior I had been moving in fast forward and now all of the sudden my body is rejecting any speedy movements. This relaxation even shows in my face which is often found to be in a smile even when I am not deliberatley trying to smile, something similar to the feeling of too much vicodin. That's nice. Anyways, I was walking to school this morning relaxed as ever and I was passing many people trying to make eye-contact with each one. I have to tell you two things before I continue--one, this country is not famous for smiley people, let's get that clear, and two I have to tell you that I am attempting an OBSCENE amount of eye-contact during my day because I want to improve my confidence in front of audiences for my next presentation and I figure this is a good way to start. HAHA. we'll see. So as I am walking along, I set my sights on an old lady walking towards me with a large bag in one hand and a small dog in her other, and I target in on her, deciding that she will be the lucky lady who gets my "best" eye-contact this morning. OH AND DOES SHE EVER. As we get closer and closer, my stare gets more focused and intense and then BAM-we make eye contact!! I think maybe it came across as a little too much, because she returned my look to me as if I just spit in her face, knocked her down and run off with her dog. Whoops. I might have to tone it down a little. But anyways, point is I tried to radiate kindness and although the outcome wasn't as hoped for, I will try again no doubt and my good intention was so completely there. A part of me wanted an above-average morning so I think I subconsciously gave her too much "Kate", a little too much moi on purpose. But I know she will think about me later in her day and if not smile to herself because of it, at least she will laugh at my ridiculous look. And that's fine with me.

Another act of kindess which I distinctly remember was one earlier in December during a particularly stressful final week of school. I was supposed to meet with a writing advisor to help improve a paper, however I had written down the time of the appointment wrong and ended up missing him. She responded to this abscence with a genuine email sent quickly to my inbox asking if anything serious had happened and if i was okay, ending with a request to please confirm that nothing bad had happened. She was probably thinking I had given up on things since our last session began basically with "why did you bring me this paper because it is so bad." But when I got home and checked my email from that day and opened up her email, I found myself in tears of appreciation over this ordinarily so mundane thing because of her sincere care and concern for me. These tears might also have been due to the fact that I was operating on "stress-level-BLAZING-FIRE-RED" but I find that I respond particularly to kindness because I know how much of a difference it makes even when you think it won't.

Or even simply in befriending a person, I have seen how kindness works wonders. There is this classmate of mine who is an absolutely superb academic. She has a higher level degree already and many other accolades under her belt at such a very young age. She is one of the brightest and most professionally qualified people I have met while at CEU. However, what she has in brains, she lacks a little in people skills. This is where I come in. In the first semester I had noticed that while she had done well, in fact starred in classes, she was still looking sad and you could feel that while around her. No one really spent alot of time talking to her. She wasn't so fantastic with people, especially women. This came as a bummer to me because I don't care how many friends you have, as a woman, you still need your girlfriends. It is a necessity. I don't know how I would've gotten to where I am without mine. So gradually I started to spend time with this girl even without her prompting. And yes, at first she was very cold and bland with me, but I kept up knowing that this friendship would take some time because being kind also means allowing a sense of vulnerability for some people. But she warmed up to me over the course of the semester and now we are even good friends. And her kindness that was not showing before IS NOW showing, and not just to me, but to everyone, which is so great. I am so happy for her because really, who likes feeling cold and stand-offish? No one I think.

I am so thankful for kindess, especially being so far from home. Some days even a stranger staring you down like a hawk zoning in on her prey makes you feel good.

los qualidades del tiempo

TIME – it has so many attributes, so many hats it wears, both good and bad. It’s such a funny concept and is not something that I think you can get use to dealing with because in each situation in your life it plays a different role, at least lately that’s what I’ve found in mine.

Time is, of course, relative (or so that wacko Albert tells us) or rather in this example of being at home, brief. While being home for the holidays, time felt to fly-by, leaving me trailing behind, doubled-over and sucking wind. It felt as if I couldn’t have seen all my friends and family and have time to relax no matter how much I compromised my sleeping time. There just wasn’t enough time when I wanted it the most. No matter how much I wanted to just stop time and savor the moment or how deliberate I was with every move, I just felt like I could not slow it down (because DUH, you can’t). I squeezed every ounce of life out of time, trying to memorize each action and each emotion felt with these ever so important people.

Time is something of a necessity as well. This I realized because no matter how much you may care for someone or how much you connect with people, it takes time to catch up. You just NEED this kind of time, nothing can substitute—no amount of charisma or charm is going to do the trick because feelings come when they come. They cannot be forced. I consider myself one of the most affectionate life forms on the planet, something like the cross-between a massive refrigerator magnet and a golden retriever. But even I need some time to warm up to people I care most about. And that is so excruciatingly frustrating and also puzzling to me—sometimes it takes me the most time to show those I care most about, that I do in fact care about them. So strange. It feels like I will never learn how to more easily show I care, but I suppose in time I will.

That brings me to the next qualities. Time is a healer and a teacher. As much as you don’t want to hear that phrase sometimes, time does actually heal and usually it does a pretty good job if you just have some patience and faith in it. It also has taught me more lessons than I will ever know, lessons I thought I would never learn, like patience. Time has taught me to embrace emotions too, whether they be warm or painful, otherwise I have learned that you just skim over the top of them and it never feels right and you wonder why. Time is a giver. It gives me perspective—something I treasure because so often I find that I can lose it and the process of reacquiring it is priceless.

Although time is a healer, it is also unstoppable. It doesn’t pull a freeze frame and let you sit and take your sweet time healing. Again, this I learned while spending time with those I care most about. I had to come to the reality that I wasn’t, in fact, seeing the same reality of a close friend and as hard as that was, time did not stop for me to pause and take a breath. In fact, it felt like time was like my old coaches yelling at me -- “kick it into high gear missy, this is paying for your education!!!”, convincing me to start pumping my legs into a sprint. It is probably best this way, that time does not hesitate, as otherwise you might be prone to dwell a little longer than is healthy and that’s never a good feeling.

Speaking of time, I have to go adjust my watch.