LA ULTIMA

I am awful at goodbyes. Really, really awful—like cliché awful. It’s not like it’s a fun thing, you know? I don’t ever know where to begin and then things slip into akwardness and I get fidgety and basically forget how to speak. Anyways, how can you say goodbye—you don’t know if you will see someone again or if your paths will cross randomly in the future. Who knows, right? That’s why I always find myself blurting out “See you later!” not to avoid actually saying good-bye, but I really think that you just truly never know, so why not believe you will see someone or some place again?

I have come to love that uncertainty over the past year, something I never thought I would grow accustomed to, but I have learned that as well as other countless lessons while experiencing Budapest. I am continuously thankful. I think mostly that Budapest was an experience which helped me “move into” the person I discovered in the previous year. It was sort of a year of decorating and settling in, but also realizing that many changes are still to come and should be welcomed with open arms. Looking back on some of the earlier posts, it feels good to know that I have absorbed much more than details about the policy process and how to best nip corruption in the bud. I know that I will carry these lessons far into the future— I won’t forget them anytime soon.

So anyways, this is the last blog and if anything, I hope I made you laugh a little over the past year.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
See you later.

BANCKS' UNITE!

Welcome Doug and Gretchen!!

My parents are here in Budapest. Can you believe it?? Talk about surreal. They decided to come over to make sure I wasn’t really in Ames, Iowa knitting up a huge lie and funneling my tuition money into the black-market. That’s a weird family joke. They also just wanted to experience Eastern Europe. It has been really nice so far with them here and school done because we are getting to see a lot of the city together, some of which I have not even seen yet.

It's hilarious--my dad has managed to memorize the ENTIRE section in his guidebook on Budapest and the surrounding area, thanks to the help of the author Rick Steves. When I am just about to lead us off course (thinking I know where I am going) he causally pulls us back on the right path, gently and nonchalantly saying we should be going the other direction. Knowing random facts about the city has become his temporary obsession and he is a fountain of facts, let me tell you. And then there is my mother--the faithful partner and supporter of mi papa. She is very laid-back and very chill. No ice in her almost boiling hot coke?? NO PROBLEM! Ha. LOVE IT, Mom you rock. And then there is me--the suddenly anal guide. I don't know whats come over me but I am in an INTENSE competition with Rick Steves to see who actually knows Budapest better. Currently he is very much kicking my butt and the score is absurdly off-balance. Something like 90 - 3. Bummer, I think I'm just gonna give in tomorrow and let Rick (co-captained by my dad) take the wheel and drive.

Best of all, my parents are experiencing Europe 30 years after their initial visit when they were newlywed hippies looking for adventure. Seeing their expressions and hearing the excitement in their tones is really satisfying for me because this is really a treat for them. I am glad to have them here with me to see my world. It is always a little weird though for me when they step into a world I had previously created very much independent from them. It takes some adjustment for some reason, because this place does not know them and they do not know this place. This all makes me stop and remember how much things have changed in my life from even four years ago. I guess I forget. I have begun to feel very comfortable being in a constant swirl of variety and change, something many people may feel differently about. I love it though and find myself addicted. Somehow I know that this will always be a part of my life.

the end of the road, Jack.

Holy crap (silence....................................................................eye blink.............................silence........)

That about sums it up for me—we have finished our program and I am still in a state of shock and disbelief that the most intense and jam-packed 9 months of my life is done and over. AND I DID IT!!!! SO surreal that I am crossing this finish line, but so very very satisfying. This year has felt like a constant wave after wave of transformation and challenge for me. Not a bad thing by any means, but who woulda known? And that’s the best part.

Now looking back on everything that I have experienced, I think to myself “why did I even try and imagine what it would be like?” because the reality was not even close to what I imagined in many ways—the school experience, the people I met, the opportunities to travel, the friends made, the challenges of dealing and understanding myself, etc. (I wish I could explain it to you in a couple of sentances but it's impossible so we'll just have to sit down and chat about it one day). But I am so thankful that it came out like that, like a constant surprise, because one of the most important things I have learned is that there is so much beauty in watching things unfold as they will naturally and unknowingly. I have spent so much time previous to this year trying to plan out my future down to practically pinning down a 401K that once that future came, it wasn’t as exciting or satisfying because I had been expecting exactly that the whole time. It’s not that now I don’t want to have any kind of plan, it’s that I am just much more flexible with how this plan can work itself out. For example on a much smaller scale, I skipped class the other day (on Ethics, haha) very spontaneously. Not because I didn't want to go or wasn't prepared, but as I was going through my morning routine, I got distracted halfway through getting dressed and started to watch a documentary on positive thinking and the power of the mind, which I managed to completely justify my missing class. See? I ended up still halfway in my pajamas, eating breakfast and loving this piece on the human mind...and I felt so good afterwards. It's so funny how things happen that might surprise you when you allow yourself alittle more flexibility for all the different possibilities in your life--there are SO MANY. And you know what? The slower this happens, the better. Then you get time to remember the details of your experience, rather than just flying through things just so you can check off items on your life to-do list. Hellooooooo---quality, not quantity. Do you follow me?

A friend called me a hippie the other day, to which I replied, “But I wear Banana Republic.” Oh wow Kate. Sometimes even I am surprised by what comes out of my mouth, but even there I saw some flexibility in being the person that I am.

stop or go??

How many times have you not tried at something, maybe either because someone had a different opinion about what you should be doing or didn’t think it was do-able? OH FOR SURE I HAVE. A bummer, I know, but let me remind you although I am completely brilliant, I'm no superhero :) I can very happily say however, it hasn't happened for looong time. I was talking about this with a friend the other day who was panicking because she was backing out of her dream job because her father had made some comments about her abilities. He illegitimately said they were lacking. I wish he could see her in action in the classroom, but this was an obvious blow to her spirit and when she told me this, I even felt as if I had been hit with a stick smack across the chest. What a deflator for her, right? But then on second thought...WHAT A MOTIVATOR!!

See, my friend is so lucky because now she has the extra incentive and motivation to go full-sprint after this job to show those out there, particularly her dad, that she DOES have the ability. And who is to say she can’t or she isn’t up to it? Give me a break -- it is really easy to criticize and point out the faults or the shortcomings when you aren’t actually the one starring in the experience.

But it is so hard to toe that balance between putting on your blinders and going after what you really want while also listening to those important people around you. I guess also how you define “important” matters too. Who do you listen to—your friends? Your family? Someone who has been in the field a long time? And how do you make that distinction and how do you do so consistently?

My answer is this—that you just learn how and who to listen to as you go, trial and error, see what happens. This, so far, has worked for me. It will be different for others of course, and they have to accept that. Sometimes it will be easier to create the balance while other times you just have to close your ears and go for the gold, you know? Sometimes when I feel a little unmotivated, it is even the best medicine to go ahead and let someone in on my future plans and dreams -- particularly someone whom I know will be a bit more cynical about the way life works. Little do they know that instead of advising me onto the "right" path (their path), they are in fact pushing me further along on the one I truly WANT to be on. It's my life, right? Well, then it's my happiness too. You don’t want a life where someone who “has everything figured out” walks ahead of you beating the bushes with sticks to scare the monsters out. That wasn’t the right way to say that—what I mean is, to a certain extent you want to be able to have the freedom and opportunity to make your OWN mistakes and see what's ahead and what happens. Some of my “best” mistakes have come about that way and later turned into the most amazing opportunities of my life. At least, that’s the perspective I choose to have.

FILL THE LUNGS!

Maybe you and I have more in common than you think—I love to breathe. I know you do too. What about a breath of fresh of air—great, huh? See? We’re meant to be friends.

Beautiful bluuuuuuuue sky is all I have seen lately—the color is amazing, really. I bet Crayola wishes they could get their hands on this kind of color. And somehow this clear sky is bringing with it a warm fresh air and after the dreary colorless winter months, there is absolutely nothing better. It’s on these days that I wish I lived outside the city, but even being right smack in the center of Budapest I managed to find a park to spend the whole day lying in the grass, belly up to the sun and the breeze wrapping itself around me. Whether it’s called the Santa Annas or the west winds, a nice breeze feels great and dangerously relaxing. I was so much planted in the grass that a dog ran over me, making sure to step RIGHT ON MY FACE.

I also love a breath of fresh air in the form of a different perspective or personality. The word for that would be REJUVENATION. What a wonder that does, especially when you get caught going through the motions of life, when it demands you to live at its own pace. You almost forget about the life around you as if wearing blinders and become immersed in your routines. Today I got this breath of fresh air simply from ME and doing…. NOTHING—all day. It’s a valuable skill, to do nothing, and it has taken me years to perfect. But how great is that kind of day? Just me, myself, and I all day long. Luckily I'm great company. HA. But, the quiet was very much needed now that we are down to our last two weeks of class and constantly in a buzz of academia. I remember at one point staring up into the blue and wishing I could bottle this feeling of calmness to save and store away.

the REALLY fun days

Ok one, I need a hug. And two, although I am a huge advocate of the natural progression of things—going with the flow—I was also born in the age of instant everything. These two things clash some days, today being one of them. Usually I can do things in a calm and smooth syrup-like manner, but today believe it or not, emails aren’t even coming quick enough for me. ARE YOU KIDDING KATE CHILL OUT is what you are thinking, right? Trust me, half of me is thinking that too. I just can’t get the other half of me to get a grip. It's like it declared mutiny and is jumping ship so as to watch the other half of me go down in flames. Awesome, huh? I am trying to transition to taking myself seriously as an adult and woman, while also trying to retain a little bit of myself from the whole life I had before I graduated college. I have to get things worked out for the next step in life as well as continue to write papers and fulfill requirements for CEU. In the same day I was called a bionic woman and a fish out of water…WHAT???? I am caught in the middle of my own life. VERY, VERY STRANGE. It’s just one of those days. Mom, I need a hug.

It is one of the nicest feelings when things fall into place slowly but surely, but that’s the catch—it’s a process of slowly and surely, which is of course what makes it so beautiful. But this is where the scene cuts to me planted face down on my IKEA-everything bed bawling like a 2 year old with mascara smearing all the way from my forehead down to my chin (whoops, there goes any hope of you hiring me). Yes, of course I have days where I just am caught throwing up my hands, and I give up all hope of thinking rationally and keeping my perspective. Usually on these days I am seconds away from pressing “confirm purchase” for a one-way ticket to Dubai—that option always seems so much more logical than taking things one day at a time for some reason. But instead of keeping it all inside me and not acknowledging that I am actually experiencing something totally human—stress—I don’t. I just stop and let it go. AND IT FEELS GOOD. So what?? So I need a day to have this little fiasco, big deal!! If I didn’t deal with myself, I would probably be walking around as wound up as ever, snapping my mouth at everyone who walks past and eating only granola. Where is the fun in that life?? You have to walk on egg-shells around that kind of person. How AWFUL!! And, by the way, there is a silver lining to this—I can laugh at myself when my little saga is over, for example, I literally woke up out of my nap yesterday because I was laughing at myself in my dreams.

The days you have where you just slip out of the groove are so important. Although it is an absolute mess trying to sort them all out, it is hilarious looking back on them, and so helpful in understanding yourself. And of course, hugs help too.

Sun Rising

"Pork-o" is the term which comes to mind when my parents ask about my physical well-being as of the past couple months. I blame it on the result of hibernating all winter in combination with my deadly Achilles heel for anything mixed with sugar, but enough is enough!! I can only find so many excuses to inhale chocolate as if my life depended on it. So today I took action—I jumped out of bed, strapped on my Asics and went for a run down by the Danube. At 5:30 in the morning. No, I am not a masochist. I know, I know, it may seem extreme--to cut back on sweets AND wake up early all in the same day, but I have good reason for waking at this ungodly hour—I wanted to see the sunrise. For me it is SO physically painful to wake up any earlier than 8 o’clock, but nothing on this earth can match the colors of sunsets or sunrises. And most of all I wanted to witness the sun rise over the river because I have seen it set in such a glorious way, that I wanted to see if it could match its evening performances with the mornings. Finally the weather has been warming in Budapest, bringing with it longer and longer days, so can you blame me? I just wanted to celebrate by seeing the sun rise. On this morning, check out the reward I got for lugging my big behind out of my bed…it’s sort of a glow of light.

Only being yourself

When people indulge me in a little piece of them, a piece they know very well that I could use against them, when they come to trust—I love that. Maybe you’ll understand if I explain more.

The other day I was sitting in class next to one of my good friends. We were listening to a lecture on a topic in which to tell you the truth, I would have rather been eating worms than sitting through and I think by the looks of it so would a lot of the other students there because there were faces plastered to desktops and doodles being created in truckloads. We had been in class for 7 hours prior though and had two midterms earlier that week, so to say the least--we were fried. My friend however, was absolutely entranced—just so engaged and almost weirdly hypnotized by the presentation. At one point I wanted to ask him if he was kidding, he was so into the lecture. But before I could investigate into his genuineness, he leaned over to me, looked me straight in the eyes and whispered so very sincerely “JUST FASCINATING, right?”—and all I could do was smile. He was so into what was going on and so stimulated by the topic that you could feel it. And I was so happy that he shared that with me—VICTORY!! I know it might seem like such a simple and blasé gesture, but I love it when someone let’s you see a part of theirself that is really unique. My friend knew I could’ve given him a hard time on it, and instead he let me in on a little part of himself. So what if he likes something I happen to find unimaginably awful?? I would be bored out of my skull if every one of my friends liked exactly what I like and disliked exactly what I dislike. And anyways, I am sure that a lot of the things I like seem unimaginably boring or make me look like a complete wack-job. But what else can you do?—that’s the beauty of being an individual :)

That is one of my favorite things about friendships—when you find the differences in interests and intrigues pull you together rather than apart.

my date

Guess what I found out today?? I have an admirer!! Yes, yes I dooooooo. His name is Zoltan but you can call him Zoli. We have tennis dates every Monday, that his mother lined up for us, same time, same place and afterwards we always get a drink together—of apple juice. He just turned four by the way, and he is a little cutie with tons of spunk and a big old crush on MOI. He teaches me Hungarian and the best ways to eat animal crackers—nibbling around the ENTIRE cookie before you dunk it in milk—and I teach him the latest dance moves with some tennis sprinkled in here and there. It’s an absolute RIOT and he always brightens my day. And today he was just what I needed—my mind in a completely separate world from the usual grind. Isn’t it funny to think of the little things that make such a big impact on your life? Zoli has no clue how much I look forward to our “tennis dates”! Sometimes I wish I could see myself in other people’s eyes to see the impact I hopefully have, just the way I know others, like Zoli, have on me.

cliff divers NO MAS

It is so exciting to see signs of progress, don’t you think? Any kind of forward movement, whether it be by leaps and bounds or just by half an inch, is something I welcome with undeniably open arms. Maybe sometimes you have to dig pretty deep to find it, but when you do see it, you should grab it and hold on tight. I’m not necessarily speaking of progress in terms of local infrastructure or construction, I am also speaking of progress in terms of yourself because I believe it's the hardest place to progress sometimes, at least for moi.

Recently I had a conversation with my friend Peter, you know, the lumberjack I do yoga with from the Arctic Circle, just about everyday things, and when we came upon the subject of requirements left for completing our classwork here at CEU, my first reaction surprised me—it was not the same scene as the previous semester, when upon mention of requirements and assignments and presentations my face would freeze into a very still position leaving my eyes glazing over and my mouth dropped open drooling in fear. No, no, while Peter and I were going over this TO-DO list about a mile long, I felt as cool as ever, John Travolta style. And I think my reaction rubbed off on him because Peter and I usually mutate into those awful frozen droids together, and this time when he looked at me waiting for the go-ahead signal to begin our panic-fest, Peter took a breath too, and there was no drool. SO COOL—progress!!

I know that previously we became addicted to this feeling of complete terror and didn’t even give ourselves time to step back and absorb things. It was like a race to see who could freak out first. That got to be pretty exhausting to tell you the truth and I missed being mistaken for a sane person. It is in this way of right away giving in that I think you just sort of cut out the credit or respect you should give yourself from the very beginning and don’t even allow the option of thinking of the other possible realities--that you CAN do it. “It’s too hard and it’s too much” are the only things that are allowed to run through your mind—what a defeatist attitude! YUCK Kate, grow a backbone. And in our case, Peter and I just jumped straight off the cliff without even thinking, plunging down, down, down into reaction, sort of like lemmings! The thought of being challenged to push harder was apparently too much for me. It is so funny looking back on me even just a couple months ago because I have changed my behavior so much even in that short time span. I was never such a weakling before when it came to challenges, I have always been a hard worker and very self-motivated but I think that by putting myself back in a situation which has not always been easy for me—in this case, school—I was in a little bit of shock that I had to put some effort in it, it didn’t come as naturally to me as other things, like sports for example where I can always find the extra effort. So maybe I was bound to feel a little vulnerable, but that shouldn’t give me free reign to start my blubbering session whenever I feel, right?

It feels SO good to have my mind under some kind of control, even at the tiny level I am speaking about here. And it’s on a daily basis—like a regular adult. HA. Now I AM allowing myself to see all the other options, the positive options—there are so many—and it makes a huge difference. That’s progress.

give it up for Africa.

This is my younger brother Michael. My family affectionately calls him Mikeypoo-poo. He loves that. Mike is about two years younger than me and he lives in Africa. He always tells me how different him and I are—he is so level-headed, calm, rational and mathematically minded, whereas I am directly his opposite—a 5’9” body of CHAOS! But really, I think we are very similar, he lives in Africa for crying out loud, so it’s not like we are oil and water—we just express ourselves in different ways. He is also THE most considerate person I know—he would give you the shirt off his back, that kind of thing, you know? He rarely has a bad attitude and this quality is infectious when around—I love spending time with him. He also was BFF with Mother Theresa and has the answer to global warming...HA, I'm kidding but that's what I'm making him sound like, huh? But really, my favorite thing about him though is his ENERGY. He absolutely exudes this genuine care for others and he is so refreshingly untainted. Don’t you love it when you are around someone and you can feel their energy, their personality, their vibe, whatever you want to call it? Just by thinking of them you get a goofy old clown grin on your face? Rare, but you know it when you feel it. LOOOOOOVE it.

Anyways, I am so proud of Mike now because he is doing something that initially scared the pants off of him--living outside his comfort zone. It is really exciting to get emails from him telling tales of Africa and the way he is dealing with the once so foreign circumstances and issues that are now a part of his daily life. However, prior to this experience, it was hard to relate to each other even though we grew up practically attached at the hip and share many of the same memories. As we grew up we naturally experienced the world in different ways and spent more and more time apart and this soon led to a veritable Grand Canyon between us in terms of the variance of our experiences. All of the sudden it was like he was speaking Chinese to me because we could not understand one another. But since his journey out into his own life in the recent months, experiencing things in his own unique way, we are able to understand one another again because it is our differences in experience (which once pulled us so far apart) that now pull us together. It is no longer just me telling of the lessons I have learned, but it is also him sharing times when he felt worn-down or lifted up. Africa is helping Mike discover things on his own and find his own way and we can relate once again. Gracias AFRICA :)

ps--someone is reading my blog in the HIMALAYAS--did you see that?!!

CONSTRUCTION

All of us are architects by nature—did you know that? We all want to relate to others, to empathize, to BUILD BRIDGES. Or as we all know it, make friendships. Maybe our reasoning behind creating ties with others is different from person to person but the bridge is still nonetheless built. I have bridges with a variety of people in my life—ranging from 2 year-olds to 91 year-olds, from jocks to scientists, from musicians to sculptors, from homeless to the very tip-top of the upper-class, from liberals to ultra conservatives. Somehow within each of these people I have found something similar to myself or to the person I want to continue to grow into. And together this person and I have “built a bridge” which both of us can cross and recross hopefully well into our lives.

But of course there are bridges that crumble or burn, when a friendship deteriorates or just plain fails. That is such an awful feeling and I have experienced a couple of those-- and each time it feels worse. I don’t know if it’s because I always go into friendships hoping for the best, hoping that this friendship will be one which I can always come to rely on but letting go is so hard for me when it comes to that—it is messy and complicated, not always so clean-cut and simple as it might seem to be.

Speaking of building bridges, you all will be happy to know that last night I successfully carried out one of the most sacred and time-honored traditions of being a female…GIRLS NIGHT!!! Would you expect anything less from moi?? YES oh YES, I hosted a girls night at my apartment here in Budapest, international style. So many were represented—Hungary, the US, Bulgaria, Romania, Latvia…and Mary-Kay and Bobbi Brown OF COURSE!!! But by now, if you are absorbing anything from this silly blog you know that I am one who enjoys relating to people in general and I am so thankful for those I have met while in Budapest, and on this night, LAS MUJERES. The women in my program are some of the most powerfully intelligent, aware, and motivated PEOPLE I have ever come across. Their recognition is deserved—and what better way to do so than sitting together in a circle, serenaded by none other than Shakira, surrounded by mounds of chocolate, cakes, and other finger foods with wine and emotions flowing??!...I can feel my brothers backing away from their computer screens right now.

This version of girls night definitely had a more academic feel than any I have previously been a part of, but I think that it is SO interesting as well as important to bring the variety of those who you care about together—whether it be a girls night in Eastern Europe or not, building those bridges is essential.

Please go begin construction.

s-u-n-s-h-i-n-e

It is always around this time of year in late February, that I start to make deals to sell my soul in order to see the sun for longer than 5 hours at a time. However, the deal-making is done for this year because SPRING IS HERE!!! Today there was no other word but MARVELOUS to describe the weather in Budapest. The sun was shining like it just won an Oscar by 7:30 this morning. It was like I woke up with a spotlight on full blast prying my eyelids open—just the thing I had been hoping for.

Upon peeling myself out of bed and observing the sights below my window, I did next what came naturally—I zipped up my boots, took out my spring jacket and headed off to all of my favorite cafes to spend the day reading, eating and smiling away. I spent the entire day café hopping. IT WAS GREAT. I probably consumed 7 times the amount of liquids that constitutes a balanced bodily intake, but today I did not hold back. It was only when I went to pay for the first of my 19 beverages of the day that I realized I had 4 different currencies in my pocket. I went to sit back down and took out my laptop only to find a message in my inbox from one of my best friends—who is Colombian—and another few messages being from a South African, a Swede and a Greek. I then opened up my notes from class the previous day and got to thinking about my professors being of German, Hungarian, Bulgarian, and Swiss backgrounds.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? I remember like it was yesterday, that I was taking a vacation with my family to Vancouver, BC and when it came time to cross the mystical, magical border beyond the US, I had to practically be tied down and sedated because of the excitement of my very first experience visiting another country—and just the English-speaking one that touches our northern border. Looking back, I also remember making weekend trips to St. Paul with these butterflies in my stomach because of getting to go to the capital of my state. And I also remember oooooohhhing and ahhhhhhhing at the novelty of the mysterious foreign exchange student in high school. I don’t think I actually knew a foreign person until I was about 16. Oh how the tables have turned…Now instead of having to be tied down when crossing borders, I have to be woken up to show passports and travel documents, my weekend trips consist of impromptu treks to Austria or Croatia, and now it is ME who is the foreigner—discussing with my Polish roommate his reasoning behind why it is necessary that he blasts his music at 5 in the morning. And I’m only oooooohed and aaahhhhed at if I actually tell people to oooooh and aaaahhhh.

It’s funny the person I grew into since I was at one point so sure of living my whole life in my hometown. Now I don’t know if I will ever live there again. I sure miss it some days and especially the great people there, but I know in my mind and heart that is not the place for me. But the point of this blog is not to showcase my traveling ability or name drop all the foreign friends I have or places I have been—the point is that I am doing what I once thought was so very far out of my reach--figuratively and literally. Prior to my initial abroad experience I had closed the door on a life outside of Minnesota—my comfort zone—as well as on alot of other dreams and intrigues I had because they weren’t of the norm, conventional or practical. And that made me hesitant—the thought of being myself! Yuck, I hate that I let others dictate how I felt about my own life. But somehow by taking that very small, very chaperoned first step of exploring Vancouver, it was as if the flood gates opened. Once I had been exposed, I found I had the ability to keep going by myself. And although getting past what others think of you is a huge obstacle, it is SO satisfying when you are on the other side doing what it is you had previously ruled very undoable.

For me it is living a life like the one I am now and being the person that I am growing into which makes me most happy. This will most likely change as the years go on—I will want different things as life continues, but for now I am happy. And to think it all began just by going 20 miles north of the border.

ROLE PLAY

The other day I made my first trip to the baths that Budapest is so famous for. I went with a girlfriend of mine, that is after she twisted my arm and tore me away from the love of my life right now—microeconomics. HA, yeah right. What an awful lover micro is! Same affair day after day, no change, just forces me to sit in a chair and open my notes in order to strain every neuron in my brain that hasn’t given up on me and succumbed to thoughts of silliness and fun, over analyzing curves of isocosts and isoquants. Maybe this is a little too personal to be sharing, but what the heck…to tell you the truth, micro and I have no chemistry! NONE. At all. I preferred its cousin—macroeconomics :)

So going on, I went to these baths with my friend and indulged my jaw-droppingly pale self in steaming saunas, swimming pools and massages for half a day. What a heaven that was—if you come over, I’ll take you but I swear you’ll never want to leave. And as the day wore on, my friend and I tried a variety of relaxation techniques, finally settling--bellies up--in the swimming pool with a ceiling opening up to a beautiful blue Hungarian sky. We talked about a variety of topics, but the one that struck me the most was the following. We had come on to the subject of men (surprise, surprise) and the varying “relationship systems” and she was telling me about her boyfriend waiting for her back home, east of Hungary. He is the love of her life but something she said struck me as very odd and actually to be honest, sad—she told me of how while he loves her, he doesn’t respect what she is doing in her life, getting an education, I mean, and trying to better herself. My friend has been told that her place is and will always be in the home, caring for her family and soon-to-be husband, never speaking up, never challenging the very concrete gender roles. AND on top of all that, she has known for a large part of her life who exactly it is that she would marry and take those steps with. Everything in her life was leading up to...her marriage.

Since being in a different culture I have adopted to coming across varying values and principles, but this hit me that day in a way I was not prepared for. I cannot imagine being constrained (in my eyes at least) like that. I think I would keel over and die. But what she said next hit me at an even different angle...after the completion of her degree at CEU, she was ready and willing to go back and step into that life with him. Where she comes from, you do not rock the boat. You put on the cloak you are meant to wear and ask no questions as to how it was tailored or why it is that particular color. There are proper steps in life and the one she is taking now was not easily, if at all, accepted by her culture.

By the end of this conversation with her, while I had come to realize how very different values in this world are from place to place, I was in a sweating panic for her. The culture I am accustomed to places value on independence, individualism, and self-creation. I have been taught that life isn't a procession up the aisle to marriage, but a path of constant change and discovery. But she was not upset with the role she would soon take on—one of self-containment and complete obediation and dedication—she was in fact very calm and peaceful throughout our talk. It left me however, very tangled up inside and confused as to how to feel. Should I be upset that she was not choosing a life more like mine? Or should I be upset that her culture, in my eyes, locks her down and disregards her own wants? How can you possibly tell someone how to live their own life just because yours is different? And especially when they are okay with their path?

I don't think you can.

sorta like stilts??

Do you have a support system in your life?

Most likely you do even if you have to dig a little to find it. Since being in Budapest it has come to my attention that I have one of the largest on the face of this planet—HOW GREAT IS THAT? And I know that you who are reading this blog do as well—there are ALWAYS people rooting for you on the sidelines with pom-poms and pleated skirts and letter sweaters, the whole works, whether you know it or not. You don’t have to be on the other side of the world or going through trying times to have one, you can have one in any (and hopefully ALL) stages of your life. It’s important. I can feel the support I have even in my choice of yogurt in the morning. I hope you never feel like you are alone in life. Ever. While you may not necessarily see your support everyday or come into contact with them, I have found that they are ALWAYS there, they just have a life to live too. DUH KATE. But isn’t that such a great feeling—opening up your email after a draining day and finding a carefully written letter from a close friend or seeing a missed call from your family on your cell? Those are some of my favorite things about being away from home—feeling the presence of those who are physically far, far away.

Check out this view--can you believe that this is a part of our world??? SO UNREAL. It's Greece, by the way...

pour toi

showing a little love from Budapest

XOXOOXOXOXOOX

Welcome to reality...?

Too much caffeine, sugar and internet time coupled with not enough sleep, sunlight and exercise turned me into an absolute crazy woman over the course of last week. The balance was definitely OFF. I decided there was so clearly only one logical solution to get the Kate whom I am in love with back…flee the country. You know when your reality gets a little skewed and you just can’t focus clearly and you feel all blaaaahhhh? That’s how I was feeling and so a friend and I did a weekend in Belgrade, Serbia—yeah, I am still trying to wrap my brain around that—to fight back into the “healthy” reality and rescue our real selves back. You might be thinking “Good idea Kate, go to a torn-up country dealing with ethnic and religious conflicts to make you feel the warm tinglies again”, but sometimes a weekend completely separate from the reality you live everyday is the best medicine. I often find myself needing time to process information, emotions, scenarios, and thoughts after an intense time frame. Serbia let me do that and I am back in Budapest with more thanks than I can remember in a long, long time.

My reality here in Europe is different from that of back in the U.S. and my reality here in Budapest is so different from the one I encountered this weekend in Serbia. The closest I had ever gotten to Serbia before this trip had been through “60 Minutes” specials or the 6 o’clock world news so I had a rough idea of what to expect my eyes to see, but no idea whatsoever of how I would feel. I live in a world of want usually, being able to save up money not with the aim of purchasing essential necessities like food or clothing but for buying fun things like an i-pod or laptop. The world I felt though while traveling in Serbia was one of need—of industry, of money, of color, or opportunity, of up-keep, of so many other things I usually don’t have to think twice about. Talk about surreal. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what a permanent life there would be like and I have met so many people who come from such a place and they have so much drive and motivation and most of all, hope. That was the kicker for me—I felt sort of hopeless while in Belgrade because there was so much that needed to be done to improve the lives of those living there, at least in my eyes. But then again, if you have known nothing other than what you have lived for your entire life, I can see how in this example, a pattern of living for survival or to just barely reach the minimum threshold is all that makes sense sometimes. It was so hard for me to not think of how thankful I was that I would be leaving by the end of the weekend, that this wasn’t my permanent place.

I have something like a huge safety net while here in Eastern Europe—the fact that I am an American. If I don’t enjoy something or find something uncomfortable, it is easy and comforting to be honest, to know that there is an end, that I can retreat to a comfort I know will be there waiting for me in May. It is strange to know that while I can challenge myself for a specific period of time and then give things the “off” switch and head home to a home where I live in a luxury that now seems sort of absurd, it is also frustrating to me because so many others do not have this option. There is no “off” switch. The other day Wojtek (one of my roommates if you didn't remember) and I were at the grocery store and an awful Neil Diamond song came on over the loud-speaker. Right away Wojtek asked me what it is like to go basically to any place in the world and know that your language will be spoken, essentially that you can find a comfort in something wherever you go. I didn’t know how to respond. I haven’t ever known his reality. It is so different from mine—I can wave my navy blue passport in the air and fly away to anywhere on the globe to reach a hotel where I will hear instructions about how to get into my room in English, while he often has to take months to work out travel documents and plans and he rarely hears Polish being spoken outside his country. It is so hard to imagine this difficulty. I don’t know if I will ever be able to, but I hope that thought remains in my mind for quite a while to come.

Believe it or not...

Let me tell you something that might come as a shocker----I'm human!

I have been told that I'm not a morning person by my family almost every morning of my life. I lie to my dentist about how much I floss because I cannot deal with the pain of it. And I just hate flossing. I invest too much of myself into things too early but it can also be really hard to get me to committ to things. I find it so hard to get competitive in things other than sports (like grad school, for example) and I can get overwhelmed sort of easily. Although I have been an athlete my whole life, I struggle with coordination--the other day believe it or not, I fell off a treadmill while running. Trust me, I couldn't believe it either. I have a tendancy to think way too much about the little things and when I get tired you don't want to have to deal with me because there is potential for a melt-down.............So do you still like me?

I have noticed this lately, that this is sorta how I relate to people--I just throw down my weaknesses and contradictions. Obviously I'm not gonna tell you all of my worsts but I tend to just want to create a field of trust first thing when I meet a new friend, so I lay all my cards down first like I'm daring them to show me up. I like showing how human I am. Maybe it's to show my weaknesses before they have time to discover them and run away shreiking or maybe because in my hardest moments I have learned the most and I want them to understand that all so they don't have to learn it the hard way. I don't know. But to be honest, I don't really care about all your strengths, I mean I do, but they will show themselves naturally I think. I want to see your ugly side! HA - ever heard someone say that?? I have found that so many people just want to be okay with themselves and who they are that often times they put up this whole facade that things are perfect when they really are completly crumbling and are looking for a corner to fall apart in. They are so relieved when you just let them know that you are in fact just as human as they are, like it's a surprise or something. PUHHLEASE--As if they are the only one who has called up their parents in a complete crazed panic at 2 AM bawling about how their life is going down the drain because they didn't go to dental school only for their parents to remind them that they didn't want that in the first place. Been there, done that.....still like me??

I really like being human and I really like getting to know other humans, but that entails knowing two parts of them, strengths and weaknesses, and being friends regardless. So don't be afraid to show your weaknesses first to someone. You know, just let someone know how you fell off the treadmill the other day, but then got up, smiled and jumped right back for more.

Just wondering...

I love the ocean and I know that the surf rolls in sets of 6's..did you know that? OH I LOVE THE OCEAN. If you don’t, please lie to me and tell me you do. I also love wearing black socks. For some reason they make my feet warmer. I love good workouts and really spicy food. I love supporting people, in any sense of the word. I love staring at maps and being in my birthday suit, not necessarily at the same time. I love being emotional. I am one of those people who listen to the same song on repeat for hours at a time and if you burn your toast, I will eat it. Weird, I know. I love big cities and big hugs, I absolutely adore listening to people speak in different languages and I just cannot live without dark chocolate and tangerines—mixed.

These are some of the things that make up a part of me on a daily basis. I am certainly not limited to these loves and likes, but I do not change them depending upon whose company I am in. Do you?

I was talking about this idea with a friend the other day, whether or not he was a different form of himself with different people. He said he is. For example, he has a different personality when he speaks Spanish (his native language is English)—he turns into this hot little tango-loving-hip-shaking man. This is very different from his “American” self, with his calm, level-headed normal manner. I am smiling just thinking of his Spanish side. I never thought about that before though—if you can change who you are and maybe how you perceive things, when you speak a different language. I don’t speak another language completely fluently so I don’t know. Yet. But on a side-note, do you think that different cultures benefit or stumble around because of the stereotype (if they have more than one, the most dominating one) they accrue—like Russians as serious and stern, or Irish as loud and light-hearted? Maybe this is sort of like a self-fulfilling thing, that people sort of grow into their cultural stereotype, a socialization into their culture. But I love it when I meet someone of a different culture who doesn’t fit their stereotype. I admire that because it takes a strong and brave person to break free of what others have already projected onto them if that is not who they truly are. If this is you, we should be friends if we aren’t. I’m sure I’d like you and you’d probably get a kick out of me :)

This is a pic of Budapest today....SNOW!!!

XOXOXOOXOXOXO

flexibilty: good and bad

Ughhhhhh. Our toilet is broken. But to tell you the truth, I’m not too pissed about it. Yes, you have to fool with the lever-thingy for about 5 minutes to get the water to stop flushing, and yes, we have told our landlord about 59 times and yes, it’s really annoying to have to “reschedule” mother nature’s call, but you know what???—that’s LIFE—isn’t it great?!! I love the challenges that are in my every single day, like language, directions, relating to people, etc. and even though some days it feels like they are absolute MOUNTAINS instead of the foothills they really are, I would not want it any other way. Being flexible is something so priceless and I have gotten pretty good at this form of art—and it IS an art form because when you can make a positive situation out of a seemingly negative one, you have a gift! You end up giving off a very positive energy and people want to be around you.

Speaking of being flexible and a positive attitude, yoga absolutely SUCKED tonight. It was so miserable. John (my yoga teacher) was on fire today with the poses…I think he got my beginners class confused with the ultra-advanced session, because I stretched so far that I found body parts I never knew I had. And it hurt. Each minute seemed to last an hour and so the total hour and a half class seemed to last about 8 days and I felt afterwards as if I ran a marathon, maybe two, and then given birth. Seriously. What an exhausting session. However while I was trying my hardest to mimic John’s poses and listen at the same time, John spoke about the aim of the class, which was to show us how yoga can teach us about obstacles. He spoke about how frustrating getting into those damn poses can be and often times it’s not even about getting into the pose—it’s about how you deal with the fact that you just plain CAN’T. And today I felt like I was butting my head against a wall time after time and just not getting it, so I guess I got one part of what John was talking about. At one point in the class I burst out laughing because I looked at myself getting all pissed off for no good reason, just the fact that my left elbow couldn't touch my right rear hamstring or some other inhumane position. After class on the walk home I got the second part of it—I understand how much patience it takes and how so many things are processes, and that so often it is not about the finish line, it is about the whole race. I know this story sounds like such a cliché of yoga, but it is the honest truth—sometimes the end doesn’t even matter if you don’t get anything out of the middle or have a good time doing it.

Thank you yoga-master John.

double birthdays!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM & DAD!!!

you didn't think you'd ever make the blog did you??!

let me explain these pictures...
just pretend the one is of me singing happy birthday to you guys, and the second is of a little friend of mine here at his birthday party the other day. He just turned 2!! He's pumped about the cake and his birthday party and I hope you guys are too, even if you're a little older than him!

loads of love

XOXOXOXOXOOX

HERE HERE HERE HERE HERE!

I remember a couple days before I left for Hungary, I was sort of walking around in a daze trying to “prepare” myself for the initial shock of moving. One day I had a conversation with a close friend whom I value so much because he is so down-to-earth and just plain comfortable in his own skin. I loved spending time with him because those qualities seemed to be contagious and refreshing and I would feel like I just spent the day at the spa after hanging out with him. His name is Joao and he is a tri-athlete. He is also Brazilian but now makes his home in the U.S. with his wife and son. So one day after an intense spin-work out (he was also a spin instructor) I asked him for advice about going away. Now looking back on that I hate that I called it “going away” but I’ll say why in a minute. Joao gave me some really important, maybe completely obvious advice—“just go” he told me. At that moment I remember straining my brain trying to squeeze the infinite and Dalai Lama-esque wisdom out of those words, analyzing them to the bone, only to end up feeling a little disappointed with that simple command. Joao could tell I was a little frustrated (maybe because of my toddler-like whimpering) and understood that in order not to waste those words on me, he probably had to follow-up with more. So he also told me his story of when he first came to the U.S.—he didn’t know the language very well, all his friends were back home, he had just split with his fiancé and he didn’t enjoy his new job. He felt lost in this new life and he was 31 years old. He told me in the beginning for a long time his mind was constantly back in Brazil, living life there. This only frustrated him more, with many lonely nights and tears for this massive athlete of a man. It was at this point that I started to bee-line it out of the gym and down to the travel agency to return my plane ticket. Luckily Joao stopped me and led me back to the bikes we just finished up on. We got back on and started pedaling and he began again. He stressed the importance of just going and not thinking—to just go and be completely THERE because what else can you really do? It is no fun to be split in your mind and body but this is so much easier said than done, just like I knew my whole experience would be. And I know this stops so many people from so many experiences. But gradually, Joao said, life got better—he found a great job he loves, he started training hard for events, he found a great group of friends, and he met his now wife. His mind had finally met up with him in the U.S.

I think that I was scared of “going away” because I knew that a part of me would be going away for good. Maybe Joao feels the same. I knew that this would change me, mold me, leave me with a different perspective and impression of the world and its people living in it. Those aren’t bad things at all, in fact those are things I want most. And not like I hadn’t lived abroad before or been in challenging experiences, but before each one I think you always wonder about things in one year from now, or two years. You want to see the results and the outcomes. Who will you be at the end? How will you have become a better person? How will you have helped others? What will happen?

Luckily I have taken Joao’s advice and stayed very much here in Budapest and am so thankful because there is SO much life here—who knew?—one of my friends just had a beautiful baby boy!! And gradually this place has become another home and a significant part of my life. The best part is that I didn’t end up really “going away”, because I am not away, I am just HERE.

putting it together

Do you ever feel unworthy?

Of anything I mean, or in anything. This is a poisonous thought. Please don’t ever think it, because it can be addicting. I ask this because I am in a grad program which has a lot of talented, intelligent people. It can be intimidating. In the beginning I did not categorize myself with them—they were the “others”, the better ones, the smarter ones, the more experienced ones. Yes, sadly, I had thought this, and although doubting is a very human experience, I don’t think it is justified. What gives you the right to think you shouldn’t, you can’t POSSIBLY be the one who is talented, brilliant, gorgeous, most caring, or fabulous?? Who tells you that by shrinking in your chair each day and not speaking out, or by being cruel, or even by covering up your beauty –inner and outer—helps the world? Because it doesn’t. But no one told me this, I learned it the hard way, like usual :) In fact there is nothing good about covering up your character, your complete worthiness or kindness, so that others will feel less insecure around you. You should want to run and jump off a high-dive plunging in head first to all your talents, all your beauty, all your brilliance!! This acknowledgement and more importantly, acceptance of yourself, unconsciously gives those around you the same ability, the same go-ahead and liberation.

But of course we do feel unworthy sometimes – I have felt that too many times, in too many areas before understanding and accepting that I am who I am. Of course I have bad habits, of course I have insecurities, but I can accept the qualities I cannot change which simply allows me to radiate “postiveness” even more than I feel I do now. Too often I have assumed that others are far superior, more talented, smarter, etc. and I would tell myself this. Pretty soon, I started to believe these thoughts, even though they were not necessarily true. The thoughts translated from thinking them into living them, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not good. This created a divide in my relationships with others in school and I noticed, outside school as well. Over a while spending time with close friends, I came to realize this poisonous process going on and to tell you the truth, it was hard and even painful to accept that I was thinking this way. But I was.

The good part is this: I did accept it. And I changed it, or rather am changing it and will continue to change it as the rest of my life unfolds probably until the very end. But now I march my hinnie right into class and sit perched on my chair, ready and anticipating questions, hoping to be called on, wearing my most flattering outfits, dishing out smiles and winks while beaming in all my pride and glory...just like the saturday morning CBS special on self-esteem you are picturing in your head now.

What a valuable and necessary lesson for me to learn—to come to the understanding that I am so completely worthy to do whatever it is I set my mind to do or who I can care for. I don’t have to justify this because simply by being born, by becoming a part of this world was I worthy and of course so are you.

Thank god I realized this at 22 and not 82.

acting in kindness

NEWS FLASH --- Kindness is universal.

I don't want to insult your intelligence, but people respond to kindness. This isn't just a one country kind of thing. I have come upon this through a variety of ways while in Budapest, the most recent being this morning on my walk to school. I usually walk at a slow pace, as I have learned a more relaxed manner of "being" in this part of my life for some reason. I think maybe because prior I had been moving in fast forward and now all of the sudden my body is rejecting any speedy movements. This relaxation even shows in my face which is often found to be in a smile even when I am not deliberatley trying to smile, something similar to the feeling of too much vicodin. That's nice. Anyways, I was walking to school this morning relaxed as ever and I was passing many people trying to make eye-contact with each one. I have to tell you two things before I continue--one, this country is not famous for smiley people, let's get that clear, and two I have to tell you that I am attempting an OBSCENE amount of eye-contact during my day because I want to improve my confidence in front of audiences for my next presentation and I figure this is a good way to start. HAHA. we'll see. So as I am walking along, I set my sights on an old lady walking towards me with a large bag in one hand and a small dog in her other, and I target in on her, deciding that she will be the lucky lady who gets my "best" eye-contact this morning. OH AND DOES SHE EVER. As we get closer and closer, my stare gets more focused and intense and then BAM-we make eye contact!! I think maybe it came across as a little too much, because she returned my look to me as if I just spit in her face, knocked her down and run off with her dog. Whoops. I might have to tone it down a little. But anyways, point is I tried to radiate kindness and although the outcome wasn't as hoped for, I will try again no doubt and my good intention was so completely there. A part of me wanted an above-average morning so I think I subconsciously gave her too much "Kate", a little too much moi on purpose. But I know she will think about me later in her day and if not smile to herself because of it, at least she will laugh at my ridiculous look. And that's fine with me.

Another act of kindess which I distinctly remember was one earlier in December during a particularly stressful final week of school. I was supposed to meet with a writing advisor to help improve a paper, however I had written down the time of the appointment wrong and ended up missing him. She responded to this abscence with a genuine email sent quickly to my inbox asking if anything serious had happened and if i was okay, ending with a request to please confirm that nothing bad had happened. She was probably thinking I had given up on things since our last session began basically with "why did you bring me this paper because it is so bad." But when I got home and checked my email from that day and opened up her email, I found myself in tears of appreciation over this ordinarily so mundane thing because of her sincere care and concern for me. These tears might also have been due to the fact that I was operating on "stress-level-BLAZING-FIRE-RED" but I find that I respond particularly to kindness because I know how much of a difference it makes even when you think it won't.

Or even simply in befriending a person, I have seen how kindness works wonders. There is this classmate of mine who is an absolutely superb academic. She has a higher level degree already and many other accolades under her belt at such a very young age. She is one of the brightest and most professionally qualified people I have met while at CEU. However, what she has in brains, she lacks a little in people skills. This is where I come in. In the first semester I had noticed that while she had done well, in fact starred in classes, she was still looking sad and you could feel that while around her. No one really spent alot of time talking to her. She wasn't so fantastic with people, especially women. This came as a bummer to me because I don't care how many friends you have, as a woman, you still need your girlfriends. It is a necessity. I don't know how I would've gotten to where I am without mine. So gradually I started to spend time with this girl even without her prompting. And yes, at first she was very cold and bland with me, but I kept up knowing that this friendship would take some time because being kind also means allowing a sense of vulnerability for some people. But she warmed up to me over the course of the semester and now we are even good friends. And her kindness that was not showing before IS NOW showing, and not just to me, but to everyone, which is so great. I am so happy for her because really, who likes feeling cold and stand-offish? No one I think.

I am so thankful for kindess, especially being so far from home. Some days even a stranger staring you down like a hawk zoning in on her prey makes you feel good.

los qualidades del tiempo

TIME – it has so many attributes, so many hats it wears, both good and bad. It’s such a funny concept and is not something that I think you can get use to dealing with because in each situation in your life it plays a different role, at least lately that’s what I’ve found in mine.

Time is, of course, relative (or so that wacko Albert tells us) or rather in this example of being at home, brief. While being home for the holidays, time felt to fly-by, leaving me trailing behind, doubled-over and sucking wind. It felt as if I couldn’t have seen all my friends and family and have time to relax no matter how much I compromised my sleeping time. There just wasn’t enough time when I wanted it the most. No matter how much I wanted to just stop time and savor the moment or how deliberate I was with every move, I just felt like I could not slow it down (because DUH, you can’t). I squeezed every ounce of life out of time, trying to memorize each action and each emotion felt with these ever so important people.

Time is something of a necessity as well. This I realized because no matter how much you may care for someone or how much you connect with people, it takes time to catch up. You just NEED this kind of time, nothing can substitute—no amount of charisma or charm is going to do the trick because feelings come when they come. They cannot be forced. I consider myself one of the most affectionate life forms on the planet, something like the cross-between a massive refrigerator magnet and a golden retriever. But even I need some time to warm up to people I care most about. And that is so excruciatingly frustrating and also puzzling to me—sometimes it takes me the most time to show those I care most about, that I do in fact care about them. So strange. It feels like I will never learn how to more easily show I care, but I suppose in time I will.

That brings me to the next qualities. Time is a healer and a teacher. As much as you don’t want to hear that phrase sometimes, time does actually heal and usually it does a pretty good job if you just have some patience and faith in it. It also has taught me more lessons than I will ever know, lessons I thought I would never learn, like patience. Time has taught me to embrace emotions too, whether they be warm or painful, otherwise I have learned that you just skim over the top of them and it never feels right and you wonder why. Time is a giver. It gives me perspective—something I treasure because so often I find that I can lose it and the process of reacquiring it is priceless.

Although time is a healer, it is also unstoppable. It doesn’t pull a freeze frame and let you sit and take your sweet time healing. Again, this I learned while spending time with those I care most about. I had to come to the reality that I wasn’t, in fact, seeing the same reality of a close friend and as hard as that was, time did not stop for me to pause and take a breath. In fact, it felt like time was like my old coaches yelling at me -- “kick it into high gear missy, this is paying for your education!!!”, convincing me to start pumping my legs into a sprint. It is probably best this way, that time does not hesitate, as otherwise you might be prone to dwell a little longer than is healthy and that’s never a good feeling.

Speaking of time, I have to go adjust my watch.