putting it together

Do you ever feel unworthy?

Of anything I mean, or in anything. This is a poisonous thought. Please don’t ever think it, because it can be addicting. I ask this because I am in a grad program which has a lot of talented, intelligent people. It can be intimidating. In the beginning I did not categorize myself with them—they were the “others”, the better ones, the smarter ones, the more experienced ones. Yes, sadly, I had thought this, and although doubting is a very human experience, I don’t think it is justified. What gives you the right to think you shouldn’t, you can’t POSSIBLY be the one who is talented, brilliant, gorgeous, most caring, or fabulous?? Who tells you that by shrinking in your chair each day and not speaking out, or by being cruel, or even by covering up your beauty –inner and outer—helps the world? Because it doesn’t. But no one told me this, I learned it the hard way, like usual :) In fact there is nothing good about covering up your character, your complete worthiness or kindness, so that others will feel less insecure around you. You should want to run and jump off a high-dive plunging in head first to all your talents, all your beauty, all your brilliance!! This acknowledgement and more importantly, acceptance of yourself, unconsciously gives those around you the same ability, the same go-ahead and liberation.

But of course we do feel unworthy sometimes – I have felt that too many times, in too many areas before understanding and accepting that I am who I am. Of course I have bad habits, of course I have insecurities, but I can accept the qualities I cannot change which simply allows me to radiate “postiveness” even more than I feel I do now. Too often I have assumed that others are far superior, more talented, smarter, etc. and I would tell myself this. Pretty soon, I started to believe these thoughts, even though they were not necessarily true. The thoughts translated from thinking them into living them, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not good. This created a divide in my relationships with others in school and I noticed, outside school as well. Over a while spending time with close friends, I came to realize this poisonous process going on and to tell you the truth, it was hard and even painful to accept that I was thinking this way. But I was.

The good part is this: I did accept it. And I changed it, or rather am changing it and will continue to change it as the rest of my life unfolds probably until the very end. But now I march my hinnie right into class and sit perched on my chair, ready and anticipating questions, hoping to be called on, wearing my most flattering outfits, dishing out smiles and winks while beaming in all my pride and glory...just like the saturday morning CBS special on self-esteem you are picturing in your head now.

What a valuable and necessary lesson for me to learn—to come to the understanding that I am so completely worthy to do whatever it is I set my mind to do or who I can care for. I don’t have to justify this because simply by being born, by becoming a part of this world was I worthy and of course so are you.

Thank god I realized this at 22 and not 82.