cliff divers NO MAS

It is so exciting to see signs of progress, don’t you think? Any kind of forward movement, whether it be by leaps and bounds or just by half an inch, is something I welcome with undeniably open arms. Maybe sometimes you have to dig pretty deep to find it, but when you do see it, you should grab it and hold on tight. I’m not necessarily speaking of progress in terms of local infrastructure or construction, I am also speaking of progress in terms of yourself because I believe it's the hardest place to progress sometimes, at least for moi.

Recently I had a conversation with my friend Peter, you know, the lumberjack I do yoga with from the Arctic Circle, just about everyday things, and when we came upon the subject of requirements left for completing our classwork here at CEU, my first reaction surprised me—it was not the same scene as the previous semester, when upon mention of requirements and assignments and presentations my face would freeze into a very still position leaving my eyes glazing over and my mouth dropped open drooling in fear. No, no, while Peter and I were going over this TO-DO list about a mile long, I felt as cool as ever, John Travolta style. And I think my reaction rubbed off on him because Peter and I usually mutate into those awful frozen droids together, and this time when he looked at me waiting for the go-ahead signal to begin our panic-fest, Peter took a breath too, and there was no drool. SO COOL—progress!!

I know that previously we became addicted to this feeling of complete terror and didn’t even give ourselves time to step back and absorb things. It was like a race to see who could freak out first. That got to be pretty exhausting to tell you the truth and I missed being mistaken for a sane person. It is in this way of right away giving in that I think you just sort of cut out the credit or respect you should give yourself from the very beginning and don’t even allow the option of thinking of the other possible realities--that you CAN do it. “It’s too hard and it’s too much” are the only things that are allowed to run through your mind—what a defeatist attitude! YUCK Kate, grow a backbone. And in our case, Peter and I just jumped straight off the cliff without even thinking, plunging down, down, down into reaction, sort of like lemmings! The thought of being challenged to push harder was apparently too much for me. It is so funny looking back on me even just a couple months ago because I have changed my behavior so much even in that short time span. I was never such a weakling before when it came to challenges, I have always been a hard worker and very self-motivated but I think that by putting myself back in a situation which has not always been easy for me—in this case, school—I was in a little bit of shock that I had to put some effort in it, it didn’t come as naturally to me as other things, like sports for example where I can always find the extra effort. So maybe I was bound to feel a little vulnerable, but that shouldn’t give me free reign to start my blubbering session whenever I feel, right?

It feels SO good to have my mind under some kind of control, even at the tiny level I am speaking about here. And it’s on a daily basis—like a regular adult. HA. Now I AM allowing myself to see all the other options, the positive options—there are so many—and it makes a huge difference. That’s progress.